Time for a Cold Shower Conversation
Written by Wendi Kelly - February 26, 2010 27 Comments
Chris Brogan hit a home run out of the ballpark today on his post The Assault On Anywhen. I wanted to stand up and cheer. It hit on a subject that has been boiling under my skin for a long time now and I have been quietly clenching my teeth and putting up with it.
Not anymore. I am adding my voice to Chris and others who are quietly, or not so quietly,standing up to say that this immediate need for an instant response to our e-mails and inquiries has got to stop. Unless you are on fire, having a heart attack or about to lose a million dollar contract, I am going to suggest that your personal need for instant gratification is a social disease, not a true emergency. We need to all take a cold shower and chill a little, and realize that what we are doing with this Reactive Communication Attitude is actually very dangerous in many ways.
Collective Conditioning.
Somewhere along the line, we were lulled into the convenience and thrill of internet conversation. I sent a small piece of correspondence to you, a little flag went up in your computer box and that famous “You’ve got Mail!” beeped on your screen. Like Pavlov’s dog you jumped up from what you were doing to go immediately see what it was. It was exciting! It gave you a thrill! It was fun and you dropped everything to respond. When ten minutes later my little flag went up too, I got the same exact thrill.
Before too long all across the Internet world, there we sat waiting for our flags to go up and down. That may have been just fine in the early days when we got five pieces of mail a day but that was just the beginning.
The Virus Spreads
More people jumped on the bandwagon and for almost two decades now we have been struggling for ways to manage our onslaught of e-mail waiting for us in the in-box and the still immediate need to answer all of it right away. How did we fix this? We found more ways to tie us to our e-mail. We built lap tops. We put e-mail on our phones and as if that wasn’t bad enough, we added everyone we know to Twitter, Facebook and IM chat. Now we don’t even have to mess with e-mail. It’s too slow. We want a faster response then that. We want instant access and we are disappointed when we don’t get it. Heaven forbid someone wants to shower or work-out, they better post it on Twitter first!
We’ve all become collective addicts. We have a social disease and it’s time to come up with a cure.
This isn’t about being tired. Although Chris admitted to being very tired when he wrote his post, I on the other hand am well rested and not the least bit crabby so let’s really look at the disservice we are doing to ourselves and to others with this kind of knee-jerk reactive behavior.
Family- You know it’s getting bad when your loved ones have figured out that the best way to get you to respond to them is by sending you an IM and they are sitting on the couch next to you with their lap top! Help! There used to be this thing in households called Out Loud Conversation. It often happened at the dinner table. That was before a good portion of us starting eating over our keyboards and the dining room table became a second desk for the overflow of notes. Our families and loved ones in our physical space deserve our time. They deserve our minds to be actively engaged and listening, not worrying about how many messages we are missing while we are momentarily disengaged.
The WORLD Wide Web- Now more then ever time means nothing. Chris called it Anywhen. The idea that computers have broken through the barrier of time and we can be expected to respond anytime to any place. Both my husband and I, in different businesses, work with clients all over the world. The other night at dinner ( at the table I am happy to say) We could both hear the messages begin to chime from our various messaging devices. Our kids began to guess where they were coming from. “China’s waking up.” Someone said. Which means, that our clients in China would like the courtesy of a response in THEIR morning. That is convenient for them, but what about us sitting around the dinner table? How do we solve this collective issue? It’s never going to be convenient for everyone. We either are all going to suffer working around the clock, 24-7 or we need to learn to cut each other some slack. Together.
Health- I don’t know about you, but its hard to tear myself away for a few relaxing hours at the club when it feels like the world is breathing down my neck. I am smart enough to realize in one part of my brain that this is self-imposed behavior, so I try to just get over it. But what about all of those days that it just never lets up? We have all had those days when literally, you can spend your entire work day doing nothing more then responding to e-mail. It may feel urgent. But was it an important use of your time? Or do you leave the job at the end of the day feeling like you were dog-paddling upstream all day without a shower, without a meal and certainly without any quality exercise. ( Finger tapping doesn’t count.)
Relationship Building-The hard cold fact is that just because you have thousand of twitter and Facebook fans, and hundreds of e-mails in your in-box, this will not take the place of good old fashioned relationship building. In fact, sadly, I will tell you that it is harming your relationships. It is cutting short the quality time to spend- on purpose- with the people you actually like, enjoy talking to and could possibly even have something in common with. The truth behind the urgency of internet reflex responders is that the squeaky wheel is sucking up all of your attention while those few quality perspective friendships, ( hint- probably the ones with manners not hounding you and battering down your internet door) are being left behind in the dust.
The Real Danger of Burn Out- Before joining the internet consulting and marketing world I was a Realtor and for a time, the number one agent in our very large office. The demand for my time was great and as business grew year after year I was easily sucked into the time warp of never having any to myself. My life began to feel as if I was constantly being nibbled by ducks in a pond, one of them always wanting a piece of me, squawking for my time and always living with a fear that there wouldn’t be enough of me to go around. I walked out. Walked away from a very lucrative successful business that I had hand-built and loved because It didn’t feel like I could breathe. I was burnt out. It took a year and a very good coach to walk me back through the fear of never going through that again. Burn out is insidious. By the time you are complaining about it, it has already wrapped its threads tight around you. The right time to deal with burn out is before it happens. The right time is to make sure it never happens. For that to happen, you have to guard the gates of your time like the precious resource that it is.
The Cure For Collective Social Disease.
Boundaries. It’s very simple. It is a fact that the world will treat you exactly the way you train them to treat you. It is up to you to communicate in a clear, concise way what your boundaries are and what they can expect of you. You may find that they are actually relieved. When you set the boundaries on the relationship it tells them what to expect. They can relax. They know when and how you will get back to them. They can actually start walking away from their computer too instead of waiting like Pavlov’s dog for the flag to go up.
Be Proactive. Set boundaries for yourself as well. Set times that you will look at messages and be available for chat and times you won’t. Convince yourself of the value in unplugging the life line for a little while and give the muse a chance to recharge and the family a turn to check in. It may take some time to convince the internal addict that you won’t perish without the lifeline, but I promise, the benefit to yourself , your clients and collectively to all of us,will be worth the effort.
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Read the Comments
27 Outstanding Responses to "Time for a Cold Shower Conversation"
Betsy Wuebker on February 26, 2010 at 9:10 am | Permalink
Bravo, Wendi! We can be in charge, set boundaries, and live life incorporating work how we want to. Sing it!
Betsy Wuebker’s last blog post… Roaming Through Michigan
Rose on February 26, 2010 at 9:29 am | Permalink
Oh, Wendi, I love you so much! This was the most moving article I’ve read in ages. I get so frustrated with mediated relationships–and then you come along and remind me that using electronic condoms (uh…metaphorically) wasn’t a requirement from the start! Bravo for the wisdom, bravo for the bravery to speak up. You’re an inspiration.
Kate Wilson on February 26, 2010 at 9:43 am | Permalink
Wendi,
I also agreed with Chris whole-heartedly yesterday and even wrote my own blog about this same thing, even before reading his or yours. It must be something in the online “air” that we are all feeling this way. Breathe deep, love long, and laugh often, out-loud with other in-person humans.
Just in case you want to read mine.
http://katherinefaith.typepad.com/blog/2010/02/connect-with-your-world.html
Take Care
Kate Wilson
Sarah on February 26, 2010 at 9:44 am | Permalink
Wendi,
Ha. I needed to hear this one today. I took a half day from work and was feeling crazy guilty about it. Even worse when I realized my Blackberry is malfunctioning and I need to take it in to get fixed. I called my boss to give her my home number just in case she needed to get a hold of me outside of email.
My boss had to remind that I was taking a half day away from the office–meaning I needed to get away and she flat out refused to call me at home even if the office building was burning down. She also informed me not to log into my work computer from home and threatened to disable that function over the weekend.
Somedays you need people to give you a bit of a reality check. Thanks for this one
Lori Randall on February 26, 2010 at 9:48 am | Permalink
Well said!!!! Just this week I met somebody who lost a large contract because she didn’t answer their email within 2 hours. Yes, 2 hours. They didn’t want to hear anything else from her. Maybe they hired the right person. Maybe they didn’t. I have to wonder if they won’t be bitten by the immediate gratification bug. Thanks for using your influence to shed light on this important discussion!
Deb Dorchak on February 26, 2010 at 9:52 am | Permalink
@Sarah: This is one thing I stress with the team here. Days off are sacred. We need them. Everyone needs them. I do the same thing your boss does – but these gals end up ignoring it anyway. *squints at Allison*
@Kate: Welcome! Always good to see a new face. You’re right on the money, the shift is moving to more face time for sure.
Mark Greenfield on February 26, 2010 at 10:00 am | Permalink
Great post. Thanks for putting into words what I’ve been struggling to say myself. We do have collective social disease – how else could you explain the number of people who text while driving. We all need to head the advice of Radiohead: “hey man, slow down”, and Stephen Covey: “focus on the important, not the urgent”
Catherine Lockey on February 26, 2010 at 10:14 am | Permalink
Your post makes perfect sense. Certainly “anywhen” will cause burnout. The key is to not feel guilty about setting boundaries and to remember it’s for everyone’s good that you’re doing it. Remember the SIM’s? If you didn’t provide your SIM with enough recreation it would get depressed!
Siddhartha on February 26, 2010 at 10:15 am | Permalink
Well said. We need to reset expectations and understand that just because I can respond within ten minutes doesn’t mean I’m going to respond within ten minutes.
Good point about time zones as well. Working from the Middle East I often get deluged with requests as my workday is winding down because that’s when the east coast (U.S.) is waking up.
I just want to say, hey I’ve been at work while you’ve been sleeping so now I’m going to go sleep for a while.
Siddhartha’s last blog post… Why Thinking Isn’t Done Well
Sarah Pinnix on February 26, 2010 at 10:26 am | Permalink
BRAVA!! {standing up applauding} I am sitting here with 400 emails right now, panicking, because I need to be WORKING, not responding to emails (which is work, sometimes, I know). I am notoriously slow answering emails and spend a lot of time feeling bad about it. No more!
I LOVE your point about training people how to treat us. I am starting with a responder message, (which I hate to do) but I hope it will make people chill out a little and let them know I am not sitting by my email box all day waiting for their message.
Thanks for writing this.
Sarah Pinnix’s last blog post… How Do you Encourage Your Kids?
Allison Day on February 26, 2010 at 10:47 am | Permalink
Excellent post, Wendi, and very true. I find it interesting that despite the amount of time I spend online, I’m actually not that bad with this… even when compared to some people who are rarely ever at the computer. I don’t feel the need to respond to email the moment I get it, I have certain days and times every week where I make sure to get out and exercise no matter what, I make time for my loved ones that doesn’t involve the internet (at least on my part). And that last one goes both ways – I make time for my loved ones, but I also need them to respect that I do need uninterrupted time to work as well, and can’t be available for their every whim 24/7.
One part I find interesting is the Relationship Building section. I couldn’t care less about the majority of the people who follow me or who I follow on Twitter, but I do believe there are some relationships that I’ve formed online that are just as important, if not moreso, than many of those I’ve formed offline. Not all of them, of course not. But I do believe there are those select few relationships, like with you and Deb, to name a couple, that are indisputably just as genuine… more genuine, even… than many of my offline relationships.
And secondly, even if the internet didn’t exist… little would change. I’d be less social, if that’s even possible. Because I am, and always have been, the kind of person who would far rather stay at home with a book than go out and party. And, as bad as it sounds, it ends up being things like FaceBook that remind me that hey, I haven’t seen this person for a while, I should contact them and make an effort to go hang out sometime. (Yes, I’ve thought long and hard about this, because SO many people make the argument that the internet is bad for this reason.) I agree that this does apply to some people… just not all of us.
Another disease? Cell phones. I’m notoriously bad about never answering my cell phone, but it’s amazing how certain people expect to be able to contact me anytime, anywhere, because they’re attached to their phone at the hip, and expect me to be as well.
Deb – O:-) Thing is, I don’t work on weekends because anyone’s forcing me to (because you’re most certainly not) or because I have to, due to either external or internal urgency. I do it because it’s what I love, and it’s the kind of thing I’d do in my free time anyways. And if there are other things to do (like the rare times that I actually do go out), then so be it.
Eliza on February 26, 2010 at 12:50 pm | Permalink
Cell phones … I own one. I use about 3 minutes per month … if that. Work emails … check them once every hour or so. Which, by the way, allows my team to hash it all out themselves and discover they never needed my input in the first place
Home emails/Twitter/Facebook … quick check in the morning then 30 minutes at night writing/responding/actioning what has come in during the day.
Dinners … with my family, which ranges from just Marc, Marc and the 12 Year Old, to Marc and the 12 Year Old and various young adults (my kids & partners, Marc’s much younger step-brother & partner, nieces and nephews).
I do admit to getting frantically caught up in all this Social Media hype when it first came out, but the novelty wore off. Now I do a check-in on friends and Silver & Grace community members daily, because I want to. It makes me feel connected. Then I pick up a book and have a solitary read, or grab a board game and engage the family.
Good rant, Wendi
Eliza’s last blog post… Putting menopause insomnia to rest
Steph on February 26, 2010 at 4:21 pm | Permalink
Hmmm, considering my last post on my own site, this is pretty timely for me!! My friend and i have just been discussing how we as editors should take our practice to our lives and edit out what doesn’t serve us in a positive way. From material things to people to thoughts and emotions, we need to clean and purge anything that doesn’t help us focus and get us where we want to be either in personal development or our careers.
I’m pretty excited about such a project! It won’t be easy or quick, I think, but the benefits will be great.
Steph’s last blog post… IJA (Internet Junkies Anonymous) (we meet online)
Deborah Morrison on February 26, 2010 at 6:22 pm | Permalink
Great post Wendi. I think that is more than just the result of the ability to get answers online at any time. I thing response time expectations are also a result of being catered to in every industry. The more customers demand, the more companies strive to serve them. It has created a spiraling effect where expectations get higher and higher and customer service providers work harder and harder to fulfill those expectations. We’re so desperate to please others, that we create a self-induced painful situation. Now those high expectations are spilling over into our non-professional worlds. But there has to be a top to this mountain.
The only way is to tell others (nicely) what your limits are – setting the expectations. This may mean putting an out of office reply up that tells people how long it will take you to reply or adding a line to your email signature to indicate that you try to get back to people quickly, but it may take a few days. If you set expectations clearly, you can’t disappoint.
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:03 am | Permalink
Hi Deborah
You bring up a good point about society being catered to at every level. Setting expectations is the solution. That may be another entire post. We want to give excellent customer service, but where do we draw the line there? So far I would say we haven’t had a problem with clients abusing our time. Once again, as you say when expectations are set ahead of time, it isn’t an issue.
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:08 am | Permalink
Eliza,
I try really hard to find that balance too. Especially after learning the lessons from my real Estate experience. I don’t ever want to face that burn out feeling again. Now I guard my privacy and my family time. I own a blackberry that is NOT glued to my wrist, nor can I reach for it at a moment’s notice. It’s buried in my purse until I want it. I really believe what i said. As artists, we need to unplug to recharge or not only do we cheat ourselves but we cheat each other of the best of ourselves.
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:10 am | Permalink
Allison,
You get an A+ in the relationship building part that’s for SURE! I don’t think this post was written for you. You are the exception to the rule and one of the most balanced internet people I know. You are a good example to others.
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:14 am | Permalink
Sarah,
Welcome, and…you are welcome. I think as long as we are friendly, polite, and let people know how much we value them and that we are not ignoring them, they will likely be happy to wait a little longer. the other side of the coin is not every single message needs an instant reply or even any reply. I think we all think we have to have the last word. So e-mail chans keep going on forever. That isn’t very efficient. If we all thought twice before sending e-mails out, we wouldn’t all have 400 to begin with.
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:17 am | Permalink
Siddhartha,
Welcome, and thank you for adding to the international time zone point. I think it is something we all need to have a little more consideration for. We need to stop and realize that now that we are working on a world wide time zone , we have to take in to consideration that not everyone is on our work day. Some people need to sleep while we work and we need to slow down and be patient. Or, conversely, realize they have already been working all day and might not want to stay and work an extra few hours to answer your question because you just got in.
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:19 am | Permalink
Catherine,
SIMS!! My daughter still occasionally plays that. And it’s so true. We all have to have time to nurture ourselves and each other. We may be ABLE to work Anywhen, that doesn’t mean we should feel compelled to have to. Boundaries are not just a good thing, they are a mandatory thing.
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:22 am | Permalink
Welcome Mark,
Yes, I agree, Texting while driving is a part of our Collective Social Disease. A very dangerous part at that. I will add in not being able to get through dinner at a nice restaurant with a loved one without checking facebook, twitter and e-mail too. We need a 12 step program!
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:28 am | Permalink
Lori,
Unless that contract was for flying a heart replacement across the country…I can’t think of a single reason to work with a client who had that self inflicted sense of urgency. You’d have to charge a serious PIA fee to make that worth it. And there isn’t enough money in the world to get hijacked by that kind of attitude. If you ask me that person dodged a bullet.
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:30 am | Permalink
Sarah,
I hope you were able to enjoy your half day off. Good for your Boss. it sounds like she is trying to protect a valuable employee.
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:32 am | Permalink
Kate,
Maybe it is something in the air. Like I said, I have been gritting my teeth in this for a long time, so when Chris wrote his post it sparked a flame. And from the amount of comments, it looks as if I’m not alone. Thanks for the link, I will check it out.
Welcome to SG!
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:34 am | Permalink
Rose,
You know that love is very mutual. And I think that you are very wise to try to step back as much as you do and keep the balance. But yes, setting the boundaries up front will make it a lot easier.
Hugs!
Wendi Kelly on February 27, 2010 at 8:36 am | Permalink
Betsy,
Lalaalala!
Singing from the roof tops! After all, isn’t this what we all wanted when we chose the freedom of working for ourselves in the first place? Then we chain ourselves to an electronic monitor. How silly. Time to break free!
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